tofallfromgrace.com : the blog

Today I called in dead. I spent the morning curled around Anthony then woke to start another day. I put the baby puppy outside and wandered about aimlessly, cleaning then reading, then cleaning. My breakfast consisted of fruit and five corn chips. I later added coffee to that mix, causing my stomach to wonder what it had done wrong to me that I would treat it so badly. There was no guilt over missing work, no wondering if they were going to gripe at me or look down their noses.

*As I type this, Xanadu has gone under the desk and placed her tiny paw and head on my shoe, completely content as long as she’s near me.*

So, I ended up busying myself with little things, bouncing up and down like a jack-in-the-box.
I must go curl with baby puppy and think.

how i am today. . . 

John Keats. 1795–1821

628. Ode on Melancholy

NO, no! go not to Lethe, neither twist
Wolf’s-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kist
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
Make not your rosary of yew-berries, 5
Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow’s mysteries;
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul. 10

But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose, 15
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globèd peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes. 20

She dwells with Beauty—Beauty that must die;
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:
Ay, in the very temple of Delight 25
Veil’d Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
Can burst Joy’s grape against his palate fine;
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung. 30

ok, so life is sailing along pretty well right now, as long as i don’t go too deep below the surface. i have friends, family, pets, work: all lined up like ducks in a row. financially a bit scary right now, but it’s on the upward slope, i think.

so, in enters beautiful little xanadu. she’s a bit of a pest, like me, but overall the most incredible little thing. kaya is a bit jealous, but that will pass. more pictures will follow, as i’m sure you know!

i’ve been writing up a storm, and will hopefully get some of it posted to bore you with soon.

thought of the day 

I am feeling very content right now. It has been raining which always makes me happy. Rain brings peace to me. It washes everything clean. It helps sustain life. The sound soothes my soul and makes me relaxed and sleepy.

I am going to go nap with the puppies and listen to the sound of the raindrops as they lull me to sleep. Feeling the puppies grow close each time a roll of thunder curls up over our home. The yard is green and smells clean and fresh. I walked around cleaning up bits of wood and stray paper that the dogs had played with all over the yard. Marveling at each new bud or bloom I found in my various plantings. The puppies following just behind, running at each other, either nosediving into the grass or bowling each other over. Laying flat in the tall stalks and peeking up at me each time they got too rough and I chided them. Then starting the process all over again as I walked on the the next spot.

What would I do without them? They will be sleeping with me tonight, keeping me safe from the outside world. Knowing that they need me to protect them and keep them safe gives me a feeling of purpose.

I miss the other puppies, but they are better off with Marty. I am going to start looking for a large breed puppy at the Humane Society on Monday. Never knew how unsafe I would feel being here alone at night. I’m sure there is some perfect pup out there waiting for me to find her/him. We’ll see what fate decides. . .

oh yeah, remember how i was concerned about other people’s food? you may have laughed at me, but now i have proof: i’ve been sick to my stomach, dizzy and lightheaded since this afternoon. so there, it’s not all in my head.

give me a break, i was getting ready to stick out my tongue. this is prior to the two am pissed off khat. 

how fun my job is? movies, swimming, softball, etc. . .?

yeah. today i have to accompany my consumer to his family reunion to make sure he doesn’t have any behaviours. like that isn’t going to be uncomfortable? his dad is creeeppppy, with extra e’s and p’s. so is his stepmom….so i don’t have much hope for the rest of the family. plus, we’re eating lunch there. something i really hate is eating food prepared by strangers. potlucks are the bane of my existence. so now i get to go to a potluck with a bunch of creepy strangers…..excuse me, let me emphasize that– creeepppy strangers.

i had plans to go elsewhere this morning, but my consumer’s mom sent me an email which i got when i was half-drunk and already very pissed off at about 2am this morning. “oh, by the way, we ARE going to go for the lunch part, we’re leaving at 11am, not 1pm.”

ok. she knew that i was going out, she knew that i had plans this morning. grr.

on to other things. my family is freaking out (a very scientific term!) about the breakup, which i think i am handling pretty well. the phone has been cut off for three weeks now, so they are all resorting to email to get ahold of me. which is funny, because i’ve always preferred email to the phone anyway. *thoughtful look, tapping finger to chin* maybe i’ll just tell them it has been cut off permanently. . .

was approved for more credit hours for financial aid. . .it’s a long complex story, but let me give you the cliff’s notes: i was in college for 4.5 years and didn’t use any financial aid at all, period. then i left for two years and went back. well, regardless of the fact that i paid for the majority of my education myself (along with parents, scholarships, savings, etc) the government will only help you until you reach a certain number of credit hours (186), regardless if you paid for 185 of those hours yourself, the government would only kick in to help pay pay for that last hour. so you have to file a credit hour extension request every year. you know–”why do you need it? do you think you deserve it? will you grow up to be a famous alumni and give the school lots of cash if we grant this?”. long and short of it is that I WAS APPROVED! i was a bit scared, due to my performance this past semester….those of you who know me know that i don’t get below an A in class, at least at this college *wink*….this is a big stress off my shoulders. i feel as if i can move forward now.

so the house will be paid off in 3 more years. i have to get a roommate in order to be able to afford to keep it. i have one more year for my second bachelor’s degree, then at most, one more year for my master’s. was thinking about moving back to kansas city, missouri to get my master’s, moving there after this bach. degree is finished, but i can’t find a proper program to apply to. i’ll have to do more research on that. i would keep this house and just rent it out. i will not part with this home. i refuse to.

ok…so some of you may be wondering why i was half-drunk and very pissed off at 2am? well, the half-drunk part is self-explanatory…i had gone out, drank, then ate a very nice breakfast…so was only 1/2 drunk by the time i got home. add in a bit of drama between anth and i and the pathological liar and hey, you have yourself a very pissed off khat.

i went out with jamme last night and we were comparing notes. . .we both decided that we were in the wine and roses, moonlight and romance phases of our lives. we both have come from long term relationships with people that took us for granted. no romance, no spontaneous shows of affection, no unexpected gifts(for me, no jewelry since the day we got married…i’m not much of a jewelry person, but come on almost four years and nothing? nada?), no wine, no roses, no moonlight, no romance. jamme and i both are the type to do all those things for our significant other but we never received the same consideration in return.

so jamme and i decided that we weren’t going to do that anymore. we are going to expect more from the people we are with in the future.

all of this came about because we went to play trivia at the bar and they had “battle of the sexes” on to play instead. jamme and i were neck and neck, but in the end i won. girl power, baby.

so all you happy people out there. . .remember that when someone does something for you, it probably means they would enjoy it if you did the same for them. have you ever played the “do as i do game” with your partner? they do something to you that they find pleasurable done to them (such as a kiss on the neck or a hand caress) then you do it back. then you do something to them. . .etc. it teaches you to pay attention to the little signals that may be thrown your way and also about what your partner enjoys.

okay, enough relationship talk. especially from me. i couldn’t keep a relationship together if i had duct tape, twin and a spit and a prayer.

essay question of the week (please post on the stagger inn):

what is the most dramatic incident to ever happen to you?

ok, so i do have a second job, and it’s so much more stressful than my main one….i had to go to the movies today. i tell ya, i’m exhausted. *grin* 

This is what I did today. Softball and then pizza buffet. This really is part of my job. . . 

The newest addition to my car family, her name is Diablo Snow…she sits here guarding Kaya, Rags and I as we play in the drive this morning. 

this is where i worked today, HAD to take the guys to the pool. i HATE my job, it is SO 9-5/office ick. . .*smile* the bad part is, bummer, i have a sunburn. by the way, that is NOT me in the pool!