tofallfromgrace.com : the blog

i’m sure you’ll all find this funny, but believe me, it. . .well, okay, it’s a little funny. i’ve been in school six days and i’ve had a total of five people ask me if i’m pregnant. today was the most recent as i finally made it to my press operations class and a girl i’ve had in other classes sat with me at our cute little desk listening to our utterly boring but intelligent teacher. she asked during a lull (in which the teacher stood with his eyes closed at the front of the room, deciding what to say next, or possibly taking a nap, i’m not sure which) if i was pregnant. i said “no” with a wry grin, “i’m just fatter than last semester”, and she said in all seriousness, not trying to cover a faux pas “well, you are glowing and look so happy”. on one hand it made me laugh and the other i wanted to cry.

just for the record, there is no bun in the proverbial oven.

on friday i found out a good friend of mine died in a car crash the previous night. it is sad to think about as she just got married and was a brilliant person. this is also the third friend who has died in a wreck in the past two years. i spent sunday arranging flowers to be sent and also arranging for another friend of mine who lives in phoenix to go to her funeral. as you all know, i can’t be serious for very long, i have a tendency to revert to jokes to deal with things. this is the same. i haven’t even told mart, just because he’s going through a tough time right now. so i laugh and i deal and i move on. it makes me count my blessings. i have my health, i have my family, i have people who love me for whatever warped reasons. i have life. i am so grateful to have lived and met so many wonderful people. but enough with that. my mush quota is used up for another year.

punkin and tiny got into an altercation on sunday. tiny had punkin by the head and was going for the win when i went in and broke it up. two alpha dogs and me. it was a great time, let me tell you.

also. . .

a friend of mine had a cousin die in a car wreck this past sunday. it seems to be a nasty trend. we’ve talked a lot on the phone. he is very intelligent and conversation with him is an amazing thing.

tonight has been “work on the house night” which means we finally got all the coaxial cable underneath the house instead of strung all about, we redid the living room and i am slowly working my way through washing all the winter clothes in preparation for the best seasons ever: fall and winter.

hey, i never said my life was exciting, but i’m glad you are all in it.

the reason i slept all day saturday. . .myself, brenda, april and alicia 

fitting in quite nicely, i think . . .a very sweet dog. that’s punkin’s butt in the upper corner…*smile* 

tiny, my new rhodesian ridgeback…..15 months and 130 pounds or so. . . 

it finally happened. mart and i were talking last night after i got back from work and working out. our conversation morphed into “the” conversation. after several hours of laughing and crying and being sad (no anger at all!) and making plans for the house and burning cds and all sorts of other random things as we talked. . .we came to a mutual decision. maybe neither of us is completely satisfied with it, we both wanted this marriage to work out, but we can handle this compromise. we both know that we are each other’s best friend, you know, the one you have to talk to if anything at all happens to you in your life, but we aren’t meant to be more than that. we have a lot of stuff to work out, like where mart is going to live and how to deal with the house (we’re keeping it and i’m staying in it) and an assortment of entanglements to be worked out (who gets punkin? mart, who gets domino? mart. who gets kaya? me.) i also now have a giant, emphasis on GIANT rhodesian ridgeback for a guard dog. his name is tiny and he’s 15 months old. i’ll post a pic soon. we traded him for xanadu. i hated doing that, but she turned out to be mixed with chow and was becoming pretty vicious. my first night working out was fab and i intend to do it again tonight. school is keeping me busy and that is what i need. i’m glad to be back. i’m glad “the” conversation is over. i’m glad to have all of you.

to your comment from 8/1/04, mystic. i’ve figured this out and have made some radical changes to my life. stopped my craziness with anthony, joined a fitness center (24 hour so i can go when i get off work at 11:30pm) and am working on the rest.

thank you for your insight.

there are certain movies you should watch in order to have a better grasp on what makes me tick. . .i have provided a short list of these below, just for reference’s sake :

Movies
1. City of Lost Children
2. Donnie Darko
3. Secretary
4. Titanic (quit laughing!)
5. Searching for Mr. Goodbar
6. Kalifornia
7. Monster
8. My Fair Lady
9. Nightmare Before Christmas
10. Watership Down
11. Of Mice and Men
12. Psycho ( I said to quit laughing!)
13. Animal Farm
14. Lord of the Flies
15. Boys Don’t Cry
16. 28 Days
17. 2001: A Space Odyssey
18. A.I.: Artificial Intelligence
19. Anything by Woody Allen
20. Anything with Robin Williams (except for Mrs. Doubtfire)

yes, this really is the short list!

lupine’s ode to my garden . . . 

when one door closes, another one opens. . .

i have found this to be very true today. amazing things are afoot and my life is about to become completely transformed. i am scared, uncertain, nervous, heartbroken. . .but my life has to be about me first and no one else. what makes me tick, what makes me happy. the people that can fit in to the shape i want my life to be in are the ones that are meant to be there.

it was a really good day today.

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then is to suffer but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down…” –Woody Allen (Love and Death)