tofallfromgrace.com : the blog

when i have too much time to think. i write. and write. and write. aimlessly or with a direct goal, eh, who knows? *shrug*

i accidently deleted my private site with my essays and other assorted drivel on it. i was in the process of deleting a different blog i had started, which was to be a sort of diary to a friend of mine but which turned into a whole load of pendantic crap. so in my haste i deleted with abandon. with wild. destructive. abandon.

i did not keep hard copies of most of the stuff, so this has not been my best week if you can imagine.

my focus now is on whether to restart and post what i do happen to have on hand or just give up and combine those writings with these posts.

on another note i have been trying to figure out the whole relationship thing. while i know i should be enjoying this time to myself, i cannot help but wonder what the future has in store. it is a fault of mine, unfortunately.

i used to be very easygoing and “eh, whatever” but with age comes reality and the knowledge that to move forward you need to actually look forward.

the whole thing is that goals have to exist in the first place, otherwise you are wandering around without a roadmap in the middle of the sahara with no hope of running into a nomad (statistically speaking, of course).

when i married, i thought that i had joined with someone and that our different goals would combine into something we could both work with. i tried to support him with his ambitions and i suppose he tried to support me with mine. when it came down to it, his interests were more important than anything else and what i thought was a partnership became two solo expeditions.

so, knowing this reality. . .how does one let oneself get involved again? after giving so much of yourself without getting that return, how do you move on with someone else and keep yourself intact? how much is too much or too little?

these days i feel so reserved and without the ability to express how i feel, something with which i have never had a problem before.

before i would say whatever, whenever. i still do that occasionally, usually after a few tongue-loosening drinks. my usual action/reaction now is that i find myself weighing each word. wondering what the effect will be if i utter this or that. so i find myself saying little or sounding stilted and wooden when i have passionate utterances just waiting to fly about.

well, here is to confusion and chaos.

to catholic weddings and country club receptions (yes stephanie, complete antithesis of my wedding, you are correct).

to love and hate.

to enya and metallica.

to you.

miss kaya’s second winter. she is on the track of bigfoot aka: my roomie

a very very very bad day.

first, dodging punches at work. actual punches. i would normally be able to deal with this, but my tummy is a bit sore and i am not supposed to do anything “strenuous” for at least one more day.

then, having to listen to boring, cranky old marketing professor (who now avoids making eye contact with me, double bonus!).

coming home to survey the destruction wrought by a cranky roomie.

cleaning.

pmsing.

bah.

the only thing that has made this day better is the fact that in about five minutes i am going to get online with a good friend (who is patiently waiting for me to finish this post) and chat for a while.

the one other thing that has made my day? a weird, six-degrees-of-separation-ish thing going on in my life.

i blog and i look at other people’s blogs which in turn lead me to more and more and more blogs. i was perusing steime’s latest entry and decided to visit the blog link that happened to be right under mine titled My Name is Meredith. i was completely caught up in it after only a few minutes. it is more of a photoblog, but she puts in quite a narrative.

the whole six degrees comes in at the point when i notice that she happens to be friends with ultragrrrl. my spin magazine obsession not being well known, you may not realize how neato i think this is. ultragrrrl did a drive-by column in spin which i absolutely adored. she has since retired the column (which made me sad). to see her in this new blog i found and was already jazzed about made my night/day/weekend just fantastic.

in honor of the six degrees kitsch and all that is eerie in this new adventure called the blogsphere, i am creating a new section entitled “stagger’s pick of the week”. for the first week it will go to honor steimes, meredith and ultragrrl and the craziness which we can find around every corner…if we only look hard enough.

because when i do go to bed, say around 10pm (nice and early and sane), i end up waking around 4am.

i blearily fumbled for the lamp in the dark morning chill and squinted at my clock, thinking it must be at least 6 or 7 am. realizing it was the time that i usually go to bed and here i was just waking up, i looked around to see if kaya had maybe woken me up so she could go do puppy things outside. i lifted the covers and she “pffted” at me, telling me in her dog-zen way to “put down the friggin covers, it is cold out there” and letting me know that she was in no way, shape or form wanting to go into the frigid outdoors at this point.

so, the pup had not woken me, the clock is slowly ticking past 4am into the next dreary morning hour and i am laying there awake and none too happy about it. it is times like these when you really miss having someone sleeping next to you in bed, if only because a) it gives you a terribly good excuse to snuggle close sharing in their warmth b) on the other hand, you can wake them up because as we all know misery loves company.

sadly, my current state of sharing a bed only with a tribble’s mountain of pillows and a puppy who would rather sleep than talk about the current book i am reading (zelda: a biography, by nancy milford, which may explain the sudden plethora of fitzgerald quotes on my site recently) leave me bereft of either option a or b.

again, clock is ticking. you would think that at this point i would have gotten out of bed to do something. anything. but no, i continue to lay there with a confused expression on my face and my mind slowly exploring different avenues, trying to decide which idea to go with and expound on until it is a completely paranoid and inflated version of a perfectly reasonable original thought.

ah, but that will just not do. first of all, because thinking makes my head hurt and i have done quite well without in-depth thought for a while now (and i use much less advil these days). second of all, because my bladder has finally issued a cry for help which cannot be ignored. i finally get up, find my robe and fuzzy slippers, don my glasses and stumble my way to the bathroom, with a quick sidetrip to turn on the computer, because out of anything in my life, the computer is one i can count on to be there at 4:30am, awake, unblinking and always willing to listen.

the unblinking thing kind of weirds me out.

last night i took jamme out to gaucho’s, a local argentinian restaurant, for his birthday. i think i may have eaten enough protein to last me for the next five years. also, i believe that i am ready to try being a vegetarian. at least for a short while. test out the waters, so to speak. yes we drank chianti and yes we issued the requisite hannibal lecter joke.

we were intending to go see gemineye after, as he was performing on campus, but we found out that he was in the hospital and would be rescheduling his performance. bummer.

dropped jamme back at his place and headed back home to the roomie and the pups. since we had eaten dinner early in order to make the performance i was home around 8:30. a shower and a brief interlude with the computer later, i was curled up in bed and asleep soon after.

ah, friday is a good day, at least for the next few weeks. my microeconomics class is cancelled until 2.16.05 which means i only have one, count it, one class on friday and it does not begin until noon! whee!

i am currently redoing my calendar in mscalendar. i hate the program but it does the job.

mart is coming down to repipe the bathtub this weekend. actually, he is going to go see his (our?) friend roger tonight, repipe the bathtub (maybe) tomorrow and then he has a show in louisburg tomorrow night. they are testing him out for their jubilee/opry/whatever. i am sure he will get the gig permanently, which is cool because it is closer to kcmo than ft scott and he will be able to just perform and then go home instead of crashing somewhere overnight and then having to drive the next morning.

i think he is actually coming down to make sure i am okay, because he did not have plans to until i finally told him about my dr appt. i was kind of looking forward to a quiet weekend alone since other plans i had just were not going to work out, unfortunately. but, the roomie will be gone most of the weekend and mart will just pop in and out, so i will more than likely have the nice, calm weekend i am hoping for.

taxes suck. thank you dad for taking them off my hands yet again!

also, i will be redoing my links list soon, so if anyone has an interesting site they would like me to add, please send it to me or post it in comments and i will check it out! thanks *grin*

random word of the day:

ab·at·toir
n. a place where animals are slaughtered for their meat and by-products.

(how appropriate is this word?! completely random, i swear!)

you just really need a cigarette.

the energy it would take to get dressed, hobble into town, buy a pack of smokes and drag it through my healing lungs is almost worth it. but then a warm bath calls to me, with a cup of tea and a vanilla scent.

i think i will go with the bath.

did i tell you our water main broke two days ago? yeah. first the pipe underneath the tub, then the hot water heater, then the main. someone really does not want me taking long baths. it is fixed now, thanks to the good people here in my small town. you probably do not care, but it is very important to my well-being.

i love m. but he must die. i have gone through this past year trying to make everything work out so that we are both okay. now, he is thinking of taking off to work with one of his friends building walmart stores in the north. he wants me to take the dogs, possibly.

he is still “thinking about it”. i have to have plans and goals and something to work for, he is such a spontaneous “i will go and do this now, damn the consequences” kind of person and you wonder why we are not together anymore?!.

i am sick of being the one who wants to plan things together, just to have the other person follow a stray neutron and want to suddenly go parasailing in the middle of winter. in ohio.

or, on the other hand, make no plans at all, ever. i have always been one to need a focus and i do not tend to do well without one. without a plan or goal i just seem to follow whatever random neuron happens across my path and things go to shit.

i am seriously trying to move on with my life and have been doing a somewhat brilliant job of that. do not do this to me. not when my love, spiritual, school, home and work lives are so very tediously, delicately balanced at this point.

please do not do this to me now. do not add more to my already large pile of crap to deal with.

**********
Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous. –Carrie, Sex in the City .

**********

let me have my bit of tv degeneracy. yes, that is a real word. no, i do not care if you do not believe me.

and you, yes you…do you love the me i love? i would like the answer in essay form, one page, double-spaced, footnotes optional.

*grin*

**********

i would not start thinking about valentine’s day except for the fact that every store in the entire united states is festooned with ribbons and candy and bears and red and pink and sugar and lingerie.

this is what i say to you: bah.

it may not be original, but i refuse to celebrate love on one day. i refuse to cram all the feelings and special moments into a 12-24 hour period that may or may not go well, depending on a myriad of influences including, but not limited to: the weather, the other person’s feelings, you or the other person being sick and not able to fulfill your “v-day duties”, you or the other person being taken over by aliens and made to re-enact scenes from captain kangaroo (do. not. ask.).

love should be celebrated every day. you should let the person you love know that you are thinking of them. kiss them, write them, hold them, call them, caress them, friggin email them if you feel like it. make every day special if you can. if you cannot, if you find yourself not wanting to make the effort to do these things, re-evaluate it. just because you care does not mean you are soulmates or whatever the current cute word is these days. admit that things are “eh?!” and leave friends, not enemies.

but, if the passion is there, then do not let it be contained to one day! let it pour out of you! do not be afraid to let someone know you love them, even if they may not love you back. even if they laugh in your face. tell them and tell the world of your feelings.

as for “valentine’s day” i have my own special ritual i will be starting this year. take the worst of the worst and the most sickly sweet. combine them and at some point all the karma has to balance out, right? yes, that is right: fatal attraction and love story. michael douglas or ryan o’neal? ah, decisions, decisions.

i fall short of calling this an anti-valentine’s day protest, but you are welcome to join me if you agree with my view.

if you are a newlywed or in love for the first time, you will not agree with this. i do not take offense. come back and visit me in a couple of years. i will not laugh at you or say i told you so. promise.

*grin*

very specific quote of the day:

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.–anais nin

about a pap smear again. it is a walk in the park, comparatively speaking.

also, i am never ever ever ever ever ever having children and anyone who has had a natural childbirth (of which this procedure gave me a small, horrifying glimpse) is friggin’ nutso (professional diagnosis).

this is how i feel and i hate it:

explodingdog.com
i and my abused body are going to go curl up with the heating pad, a novel and a cup of tea.

evidence that i am a totally self-absorbed wench: i forgot both jamme’s and my dad’s birthdays yesterday. after being reminded about them. also having them written in my diary. i should have been drowned at birth. sorry guys, you know i love you both and wish you belated happy birthdays!

random word of the day:

inamorato
A man with whom one is in love or has an intimate relationship.

A patch for the comments has been released and now has been installed. I am sorry for the wait of one day!! Comments posting has been restored and new measure other than the patch have also been put in place. One new option installed now is that after a post has been out for 3 days the comments get closed and no one can post anymore on that entry. Other things have been implemted and I hope we have lees spam comments.

Thanks,
HunterL (Webmaster)
http://www.hcl1.com

a bit queasy about tomorrow. i know i am whining but i happen to be a bit scared about this biopsy thing. is this normal? bah to my silly self.

it just happens to be a bit difficult when you do not know who to talk to, especially when the person you used to turn to for support is not the person you can or want to turn to anymore.

the person you do want to turn to you do not yet feel comfortable enough to even try to speak with even if you desperately want to. then your head explodes and the problem is solved.

you do not want to bore people or creep people out, so you just kind of keep it all inside and get a little more freaked out each passing day. so here i am, talking with you, dear reader.

with this bit of whining out of the way i will leave you with a picture of punkin and i. and the thought that maybe, just maybe, there is alien life.

random word of the day:

moira
(Greek Myth) The deity who assigns to every man his lot.

to let you know that comments have been shut down right now due to a ghost in the proverbial machine. until such a time when we can get them back up and running, feel free to email me at tofallfromgrace@yahoo.com.

apparently there is a vulnerability in the system which spammers are taking advantage of and this is affecting several websites. stay tuned for more drama on the “old and the spammed”. ew. that just does not sound right. blech.

but it is a good tired, you know?

headed to kcmo yesterday noon and got back here a few minutes ago. am looking forward to a hot bath, a cup of tea and a few chapters of some nonsense book to set my mind calm.

had a late, leisurely lunch at the westport jazz . a bottle of wine, jambalaya, ribeye, chicory coffee, beignets and three hours of conversation later and i was feeling very content.

i took a quick nap then headed off to christie’s house to hang with her, jason, joe, mike and the kids.

played darts and did not do half bad. of course, standing in a hallway with kids running through at odd moments makes you concentrate just a little harder on your aim. just what would have made the night perfect is one of the little tribbles getting an eye poked out. wonder how many points that would count for in cricket? just kidding!?

a glass of champagne, playing hide the stuffed animals with the girls, listening to b.’s new poem (he is already an artist and has now started writing! he is an awesome kid!), listening to all the gossip i had missed out on. it was a very relaxing time.

christie cooked (she is an awesome cook and i love going over there because she always has something good simmering) and we chatted until late late late.

i crashed, slept in and besides having a slightly creaky back this morning was in a fantastic mood, especially when the coffee cup was placed in my hand and i was able to function halfway normally.

went to great india for an early lunch then headed over to david’s bridal to get fitted for the dress. yay! i am getting so excited to see stephanie again!

after a quiet afternoon going over the sunday paper and watching the start of the eagles/falcons game we headed over to minskys to watch the end of the game and the start of the next one. best pizza ever and bonus i have leftovers in the fridge now.

so i was able to hit three of my favorite restaurants (all in westport of course. . .) see some of my closest friends, get the dress taken care of and enjoy some time to myself all in less than 48 hours. i also picked up a new pitch weekly and that always makes me happy.

so, back to the grind tomorrow. yay. i am very excited at the number and complexity of the projects i get to work on this semester, just have not quite gotten to the complete concentration stage that i really need to be by this point.

my biopsy was supposed to be tomorrow but they rescheduled it for wednesday, which still works because i still am out of my long day of classes legitimately! muah ha ha ha.

eating out with friends: $45
catching up on the sunday color comics: $1.50
getting to say “vaginal biopsy” to your cranky old marketing professor, watching him turn bright red and start stuttering: priceless

random word of the day:

Tum-tum
n. A dish made in the West Indies by beating boiled plantain quite soft in a wooden morta